It’s been awhile since my last blog, my apologies. You see, there hasn’t been much to write about. I’ve sort of just been stuck. Stuck in the frame of mind that school and my job are the only thing I have time to do. Stuck in the frame of mind that I have so much I’d like to write, but no desire for people to read it. Just sort of stuck.

Do not fear. Haley is here! 

And back, she is. I will be going through a major life changing event in a few months, that will ultimately ‘set me free’. Giving me peace in my soul, something I haven’t felt in a long time. I can’t elaborate further on this matter until it actually happens. The few that need to know- know. I’m also considering closing this blog account down (don’t freak out), and redirecting my focus in another light. Tumblr is another social networking site to me- not the kind of light I’m going for with my blog. It’s just a consideration. 

That’s about all of the update for me! OXO

I was anticipating taking my first steps onto the world and there you were. No prince charming, but a charmer nonetheless. Eight months had gone by and I was still finding myself uninterested in anyone. Romance wasn’t my thing. I had accidentally tried that already and found myself waving goodbye as he headed for Tennessee. I learned from the best, “you don’t need a man to make you happy” and I surely found myself nodding my head in agreement to that statement.

I don’t blame society, I should have been stronger. I don’t blame myself, I couldn’t have known. I made a mistake and I’m paying for it now- but without that mistake I could have fallen lower on the ground than I already am. Let’s face it, I’m not even standing that low. I’m feeling pretty good.  

Everybody told me to “get over it”. I wasn’t ready to. Even eight months later, I could still see the person I wished was with me. So I tried. I tried to remember how it felt to feel a piece of infatuation, until one thing led to the other and then we found ourselves becoming more than I had planned. Everything happened so fast. Looking back, I cannot believe I have been here for nine months.

All I have left to say now is, hello. Hello to new beginnings. Hello to understanding that I have to be happy with my decisions, not everybody else. Hello to feeling free and alive. No. I do not need a man to make myself happy. I do not need anybody. If I want to miss somebody, I will miss them. I have now taken my first steps onto the world and stumbled a little. I’m ready to step onto a more stable and happier ground. Here I go.

You get to hurt me one last time, but only because I am letting you. You get to curse at me one last time, but only because I can handle it. If I didn’t want you to do something to me, I wouldn’t let you. I am a strong, perfectly capable woman, and I don’t do something if I don’t want to.

So why have I stayed as long as I have? I am not even sure I have the answer to that. Being an optimistic and understanding individual has wondered me into some really bad places, trying to pick up the pieces of somebody else’s broken life- forgetting I have a life of my own. No more. I’m ready to turn the page, off of this unfamiliar and chaotic chapter and onto something more bright and meaningful. 

Feeling displaced and forgotten about has not been a feeling I have known. Where are you when I need you? When does the small talk become the good stuff? The talks we used to have about anything; the advice I used to get about everything. I woke up one day and all of it vanished. Eighteen years of a relationship thrown away for a different relationship of one and a half years old. I can’t imagine what I could have done differently. I know I have made mistakes, I know I am not perfect, but a relationship takes two to tango: you have to meet me half way. When I am hurting, you have no idea- even when it’s right in front of your face. Excuses have been easier to believe, because knowing the truth only takes more effort to put in. I don’t blame you. Living in denial and being controlled like a puppet requires a lot of energy, when would you have time to fix anything else? I won’t ever understand. I wonder what happened. How do people go to sleep thinking one way and then wake up thinking a whole new way? You told me all of the time, “you don’t ever need a man to make you happy”- yet you refuse to take your own advice. It was just a hypocritical notion that I was always too young or naive to notice, but I have grown up now and seen what has always been in front of me. I miss you, I won’t ever tell you I don’t- but I miss you not this you. Pain is all around you, your children are falling- yet only one man’s pain becomes important. I sometimes wonder if I will ever see that person again, and if I do, if it will be too late. There will come a point in time, when all has been said and done, or forgotten and life has carried us in two separate and unique directions- too distant to ever want to put time into claiming what what used to be. To sit next to somebody you love and voluntarily watch injustice and disrespect occur right in front of your face would take a lot of guts. You hear about the parents who don’t even know their children are getting bullied. Then, you hear about the parents who are bullying their children. But in this instance, I wonder if anybody has ever heard of a parent watching their children getting bullied- and alas, doing nothing, saying nothing- making excuses and ultimatums for words that didn’t even come out of your mouth in the first place. I can only wait and see what happens next, because something will happen next.

Food for thought, or heartache for years. I’m Haley C. Graham, and I approve this message.

One of my friends asked me, “Why study Russian? What is the importance of that?” the other day. This question has left answers running through my head, with the desire to spill out onto my blog.

Luckily, I was blessed enough to attend a Montessori school in my younger years. I was able to discover my own interests and be able to learn as much and as fast as I intended to abou that interest. Montessori has the unique atmosphere of letting each individual focus on what they find interesting- as no two humans are developed exactly the same. Unfortunately, Montessori never had a Russian program, and I continued through my years without the interest that Russian culture and language has provided me with.

There is NO knowledge that is “unimportant” knowledge. All learning is productive and incredible- when learnign about something that leaves you wanting to know more.

Luckily, I was blessed enough to choose a college where they did have a variety of languages to choose from. I still enjoy Spanish, but it was time to broaden my horizon. I wasn’t sure which language I would choose, until I got an informational brochure in the mail about the RCEP program at Wittenberg. How interesting. I was considering taking French, or German- I didn’t even know schools taught Russian.

Having taken one language class of Russian, and with the help of my fabulous Russian teacher- I decided to minor in Russian and Central Eurasian Program. This semester I am taking the next Russian language level and a Russian Politics class. I am sooooo grateful for this interesting opportunity to learn about such a large and unique culture!

THAT is why.